I'm back!

I haven't blogged in forever!

But, I'm back!

I have had a lot on my mind and heart lately, and it is kind of hard to share. To be honest, I want to know that I am not the only one in the world feeling like this.

Part of me feels like an incredible failure. At everything. Sometimes it seems like I have fallen and can not seem to dig myself out of the hole, but end up digging an even bigger hole. Part of me knows that this is a fairly common problem for 20 and 30s...and part of it is just dealing with the consequences of my previous actions...

Last week I started reading "Three Cups of Tea." I really thought it was about something completely different than it is, but strangely it was the book I needed to read. It is a strange combination of my twin brother and I, which is what I think keeps me reading it beyond the difficult parts.  Today I read this quote in it from Sir Ed Hillary, one of the first men to summit Mt. Everest. He went on to build schools and hospitals in the area and is well known around the world for his humanitarian work. This is what he said:

"I was just an enthusiastic mountaineer of modest abilities who was willing to work quite hard and had the necessary imagination and determination."

Hillary did not think he was the greatest climber, but he was willing to work hard and had imagination and determination. To me, reading this was a glimpse of hope. I KNOW I am enthusiastic, work hard, and have imagination and determination. It was so encouraging to realize that I can totally reach my dreams, eventually...
Similarly, the bigger picture of the story is of Mortenson, a character who is determined to build a school in Pakistan but is facing all sorts of difficulties. In one swift evening, he is given $20,000 (not for the school, for HIM) and he meets his wife. They marry six days later. I am a hopeless romantic and I just loved this story.

The other problem I have been having is harder to explain, and I guess I am relying on my fellow ministry-led friends to identify with me. I struggle, because sometimes I feel like it is an issue with pride. I wonder if my intentions to be in ministry is simply an issue of personal pride rather than a true desire to serve. I wonder if my goals are MY goals, or if they are GOD's goals and in tune with where he is working in the world.

Meanwhile, I sit with this enormous pain in my chest. It kind of feels like my lungs are full, but I can't exhale. I know, with every fiber in my being, that I am supposed to be doing something. Obviously I want to do children's ministry, but I am learning how vital it is that I broaden my dreams. Still, I need to find a way to exhale, to let out what God has gifted me to do.

This week someone suggested that I am still young and fully capable of switching career paths, it is not too late...I understand the sentiment, but I don't. It was almost like getting splashed with cold water because it was so shocking to me. I KNOW that I am CALLED to be a minister. Not just because I feel like it, but also because I have been told by some of the most godly people I know that this is what I am supposed to do. I can't imagine doing anything else, and I am discontent in my job because I am not doing it. Today I realized that it has been NINE years since my "calling."

Truly, I knew my life's goals when I was five. However, that was really secured on a trip to Kenya. While I was there I knew that I couldn't devote my life to anything other than telling other people about the love of Jesus. That trip was nine years ago. Even though I have wavered now and then with short lived dreams to pursue other careers, I never pulled through on any of them because in my heart I was never as determined to fulfill them because they were not "me."

I am also really struggling with the fact that people are dying without knowing Jesus. That is final...and it is my job to tell people so they don't miss out on eternity with Love.

I realize that I probably have not even communicated the depth of my pain. I am thankful for this because I know that if it didn't exist I wouldn't pursue ministry. I'm mostly curious, if you are in ministry or want to be in ministry, do you have this burning desire for it, or am I mostly crazy??